Wedding Toast Architect
Overview
Every year ~2 million US couples marry; nearly every wedding hands a friend or parent a microphone and 3 minutes they are unprepared for. The result is predictable: rambled inside jokes, accidental ex mentions, drunk-story confessions, "ball and chain" humor in front of both grandmothers — and a regretful speaker replaying it for years.
This skill treats the toast as a buildable artifact with a spec:
- build — questionnaire → 5-part outline with word budgets per section, tuned by role (best man / maid of honor / parent / friend / sibling).
- scan — draft → red-flag report: 16 pattern classes with CUT / SOFTEN / CHECK verdicts, protected-name enforcement, length vs target, Flesch readability for the ear, and long-sentence detection.
- time — words → minutes at 110/135/150 wpm.
Pure Python stdlib. Works offline. No draft text ever leaves the machine.
When to Use
- "I'm best man in 3 weeks and haven't written anything" (any speech-role panic)
- "Is this speech okay? Be honest." — paste draft, run scan
- "How long will 500 words take to deliver?"
- Parent-of-the-bride/groom, maid of honor, sibling, close-friend toasts
- Rehearsal-dinner speeches, engagement-party toasts (same structure, shorter)
Don't use for: vows (intimate, couple-authored — different genre), ceremony readings (pre-existing texts), professional MC scripts, eulogies (see note: structure overlaps but tone rules differ — this tool would over-flag).
How It Works — Numbered Steps
- Interview the speaker briefly: role, couple names, partner name, years known, 1-2 story candidates, 1-2 qualities those stories prove, target minutes (default 3).
- Build the skeleton:
Output: 6 sections (hook / who / story1 / story2 / partner / toast) with per-section word budgets and second-durations at 135 wpm.python3 scripts/toast_architect.py build --role best-man \ --couple "Alex & Sam" --partner Sam --years-known 9 \ --stories "rafting capsize; chili cook-off disaster" \ --qualities "loyal, calm in chaos" --minutes 3 - Draft against the budgets — one story told well beats three told fast.
- Scan the draft:
Fix every CUT finding. Decide on SOFTENs. Read CHECKs aloud.python3 scripts/toast_architect.py scan --draft draft.txt \ --protected "Jordan,Riley" --minutes 3 - Time the final cut:
python3 scripts/toast_architect.py time --words 410. - Rehearse 3× out loud, standing, holding a full glass. Print 18pt+, one section per index card, cards numbered.
What the Scanner Catches (16 pattern classes)
| Class | Severity | Why |
|---|---|---|
| ex-partner references | CUT | exes never belong in toasts |
| drunk/intoxication stories | CUT | all-ages room |
| strip club / vegas | CUT | bachelor content bombs |
| divorce / "ball and chain" jokes | CUT | reads as doubt about the marriage |
| "finally settled" backhanded frames | CUT | insults both partners |
| pregnancy mentions | CUT | not your news to announce |
| profanity | SOFTEN | shrinks the room |
| money / prenup jokes | SOFTEN | divides the room |
| looks-only compliments | SOFTEN | compliment choices instead |
| dating-app jokes | CHECK | only if couple approves the story |
inside-joke markers ( ... ) |
CHECK | translate or cut |
| religion assumptions | CHECK | match the couple's faith |
| "However" early digs | CHECK | usually introduces a slight |
| cliché openers | SOFTEN | "Good evening, for those who don't know me..." |
| filler words on paper | SOFTEN | filler out loud too |
| protected names | CUT | exes, estranged, deceased, private people |
Scoring: 100 − 18·CUT − 7·SOFTEN − 3·CHECK, floored at 0. Ship at ≥85.
Common Pitfalls
- Treating it as a comedy set. Funny is fine, funny-only flops. The room wants warmth + one laugh, not ten laughs and no heart.
- Three stories in three minutes. Budget says ~120 words for story1 — that's ONE story with a scene, complication, payoff.
- Ignoring the partner section. Maid-of-honor speeches about the bride with 10 seconds for the groom read as a rejection of the marriage. Budget 14-24% of words for the partner (role-dependent).
- Reading from a phone. Lock screen, glare, notifications. Index cards.
- Not timing it. 500 words = 3.7 min normal, 4.5 min with adrenaline pauses. The couple scheduled you for 3.
- Trusting the scanner as the only pass. It catches patterns, not tone. The final gate is the question printed at the end: would you say this to the couple's face with both grandmothers listening?
- Writing the night before. The outline takes 20 minutes; the stories need a week of "which detail do I keep" walks.
Example
Speaker: best man, 9 years of friendship, worried about an ex mention.
$ toast_architect.py build --role best-man --couple "Alex & Sam" --partner Sam \
--years-known 9 --stories "rafting capsize; chili cook-off disaster" \
--qualities "loyal, calm in chaos" --minutes 3
→ 405-word budget: hook 48 / who 40 / story1 121 / story2 89 / partner 56 / toast 48
$ toast_architect.py scan --draft draft.txt --protected "Jordan" --minutes 3
→ 5 CUT / 2 SOFTEN / 1 CHECK, safety score 0/100:
CUT ex-partner reference (1x)
CUT drunk/intoxication story (1x)
CUT divorce/pessimism joke (1x)
CUT 'finally settled' framing (1x)
CUT protected name 'Jordan' (1x)
SOFTEN money joke, cliché opener CHECK inside-joke parenthetical
Rewrite fixes all CUTs; rescan: 92/100 — ready for rehearsal.
References
references/toast-craft.md— structure theory, role budget rationale, delivery-day protocol (mic, glass, cards), and the repair guide for each flag class with before/after rewrites.references/scanner-patterns.md— the full pattern table with regexes, severity weighting, known false-positive notes, and how to extend.